financial woes as well as personal drama have been stressing me out this week. and, i'll admit my the monkey on my back has been haunting me. i have thought of going taking a cab to a bar and drinking myself into oblivion. of course, i would have some difficulties with the execution of these thoughts. many of the of the bartenders at the local bars know me. i have partied with many of them before and since my sobriety. some i consider to be my friends. and, as much as they i am sure could use the tips with the slow business we are all experiencing, they simply would refuse to serve me. in reality, this is a blessing of course. however, the knowledge is a bit discouraging to my fantasy.
last night, though, i was struck with a real dose of reality. i have only a handful of friends from my drinking days. they are not people who drank "with me". as in, people who couldn't or didn't even desire to keep up with me. of this group of friends, one is my friend kevin who is like a baby brother to me. he also tended to play the role of the "sensible" one who would try to both prevent and clean up my messes at least when he was aware of them. there is a fabulous story about him trying to help me out after a blackout involving him, a zebra stripe painted van, and a drag queen. but, that's not important now. kevin, chris, and i were outside with a friend of theirs who i had just been introduced to. we were the only ones outside at the time. somehow the topic came up of me being a recovering alcoholic between kevin and their friend whose name honestly escapes me. i was in a conversation with chris when i overheard kevin tell this friend that its ok despite me having not had a drink in almost 6 years that i drank so much back in the day that i'm probably still drunk. wow. talk about a shot to the gut. i still don't know that kev knows that i heard it. i certainly pretended i didn't.
but, it certainly puts things in perspective to how my nonalcoholic friends perceived me. and, when the thoughts of drinking came back today, i thought back to kev saying that and the hurt overwhelmed my desire.
in case anyone doubts after what i've said, kevin is a good friend. as a person, i appreciate people who are that honest and these are the kind of people i prefer to surround myself with as sometimes i can't see myself clearly.