Saturday, February 7, 2009

loss of a friend

i found out this morning while at work that a former coworker,kim had committed suicide by overdosing on her psychotropic medications. as on of her medications was seroquel, i have a feeling that was the culprit. sadly, my dear friend charles attempted suicide by overdosing on seroquel and almost lost his life. almost a year later, he was successfully committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. i myself have had a suicide attempt with seroquel and did not take enough before being found. i learned through charles' attempt about using seroquel for this purpose. til then, i just thought of it as a medication i used to help as a nonaddictive sleep aid and an antipsychotic. so sad that medication meant to help with mental illness making it readily available to those who suffer from bipolar disorder can be used in the depths of their depression to end their life. of course, we are a resourceful lot.
i am saddened that she is gone from us. i really felt a connection to her as someone who suffered from bipolar disorder and could understand some of our similar experiences both in life and with the disease. i am also sad that since she left our work for a new job that i hadn't made more of an effort to keep in touch. i loved her lack of fear at speaking her mind. i really respected her for that.
one of the biggest shockers for today was my lack of shock with suicide. i now have lost a few friends to suicide and have had even more attempt it and survive. while others struggled with the understanding of why she did it and how she could do it, i felt like i was acting like the ambassador for mental illness. i tried to tell people she just could no longer handle the pain, and that she never meant to cause those she loved pain. doesn't make it hurt any less but i know it is true. years of battling with suicidal thoughts means i know where she was in her headspace. not being able to she beyond that pain. i must say it was an awkward mothering role to be in. it also taught me a bit about myself as i spent time fluttering over my friends and waiting to break down til i left work and called my best friend. i had to thank her for forcing me to go to the crazy house as i call it. brenda really has been a savior to me. i needed her voice.

resources on suicide many of which have both info on prevention and for family and friends who survive after a loved one commits suicide.
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