Friday, May 22, 2009

it's all in my head

I suppose sometimes it doesn't take much to really tick me off. last night and most of today, i have been overcome with being hurt at what in reality was not a huge slight. however, to me, i made it a huge deal. a friend and i had plans last night. i was supposed to call around 6pm, and my friend would get directions to my house. I called, got voicemail, and left a message. I knew we needed to be where we were going by 9pm. So, when I did not receive a call back by 8:15ish, I texted with a simple message asking if we were still on for our plans. By 9:30, I still hadn't heard from my friend and got super upset borderline devasted that my friend had forgotten or was avoiding me. I had the opportunity for other plans which I put off due to these plans and was a bit pissed. I would rather have spent time with my friend then gone to an alumni event. However, I felt I missed out on my alumni event for what ended up being nothing. All day I allowed myself to stew on this slight by my friend. I became more and more upset discussing it with friends who are really mine but know this other friend though not enough to divulge my feelings. I texted this friend again asking to talk feeling we needed to discuss how utterly rude I felt this individual had been. I was spinning this whole situation more and more out of control. How typically me truly making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Finally, this evening, my friend contacted me to ask me if I was okay and apologize for taking so long to get back to me as my friend had been ill in bed. I was absolutely horrified. I immediately felt like the crazy person I am. And, for a moment, I felt like I had become my mother. Now, I am sure she will never admit this; but I remember quite clearly as a child listening to my mother spin out of control when my father was late from work. He was in an accident and dead or massively injured by the time she had talked it through in her head. Luckily, my father has never been in an accident. There was always a simple solution like traffic, or him stopping by to visit his mother. I know I am barreling out of control in my mind, but I just don't seem to be able to make it stop. I am not sure if this is learned behavior, or as one of my girlfriend says typical female behavior, or just part of my mental illness. I realize I need to surround myself with people who recognize me acting like a crazy person and are willing to tell me I'm being insane. I had done a good job of creating such a network in the past, but as time has gone by, I think I may have lost some of them to death or just lost the ability to make time for these good friends. I know now after this incident how much I need to work on these connections again. I just needed to vent and get it all out where I could see it in writing. I guess I have moments where I use blogging almost like journaling spewing out my feelings like a way of pyschologically vomitting. I have gotten away from journaling, but blogging is now a huge part of my life. am i the only one who does this?
I've been reading Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford the daughter of Joan Crawford. She talks about how Joan Crawford despite being seriously cuckoo for cocoa puffs never saw a shrink. She viewed her daily phone calls to a practicioner of Christian Science in New York as her therapy while she vented. Now, clearly Ms. Crawford was clearly out of her bleeping mind as anyone how saw the movie Mommie Dearest would agree and I doubt that was enough for her. (No, wire hangers. That line was beyond brillant.) But, in the program, they always say problems shared are halved. Maybe this is what I am trying for. Who knows. I just need to share.

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