Friday, January 23, 2009

my first real blog

Well, I guess I should begin by explaining why the name of my blog is one day at a time and why I feel that is so important to me at this time. I am a recovering alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 25th, 2003. My blog name is rebos2003 because that is sober spelled backwards something used frequently in the program for clubhouses to maintain annonymity. My sobriety is something that i now consider an integral part of who i am. One day at a time is one of the phrases they teach in the program as a way of approaching life. I have to admit that I have not been working a program at all in a long time. This week, it has really been haunting me. After Charles, my closest friend in rehab, passed away, i went to one aa meeting and it felt so uncomfortable being there without him. so, i just stopped going. it was wrong. i know. once i got out of the habit, i just couldn't seem to get back into it.

recently the urges to drink have been coming to me more frequently. the stress of this week seems to have gotten to me. work has been slow, and i haven't been making money the way i normally did. now, they are cutting my hours at work. being a waitress, the more hours i work the more time i have on the floor to make money. the other night while i was coming home, the car stalled out turning into my street. its working again, but i fear this means the transmission is going. the cost of a new transmission will most likely outweigh the worth of the car meaning we need to start saving in the case that we have to get a new car. i do not have enough money in my savings to cover a reasonable down payment for a car, and dan has no savings. the washing machine has been acting up this last week. not once but twice, it has stopped while watching dan's clothes and wouldn't turn back on for a few hours. when i turn it back on and it works, there is a burning smell. at first, i assumed it was just frozen water in the line and heated up. but, the second time it wouldn't work was yesterday when it was in the 40s. finally at work, it all caught up with me and all i could think of was how much i wanted to drink. i couldn't stop crying trying to change as i just wanted to give up all the work i put into getting sober and just go back to the oblivion of being drunk. i even started getting a bit of an anxiety attack with trouble breathing.

i realize that not going to meetings and working the steps is part of it. but i know i have taken away my most of my coping mechanisms that were dangerous to me such as drinking, burning, etc and haven't really replaced them. now instead of dealing with my emotions i still practice other poor coping mechanisms such as eating "comfort" foods, sleeping, and shopping and have added a new one in wasting time on the net doing silly things such as working on my lil green patch on facebook or creating wish lists on target and ebay. this would explain why instead of me getting my life back into "order" since getting sober, i seem to be spiralling lower and lower.

so, i have decided i need to make some serious life changes. this blog is one of them as i feel it can be a journal which is something the program and therapy were big on(a problem shared is halfed). and truly working on living life one day at a time is another one. this doesn't mean not planning for the future but not freaking out when i am unable to control the way things go. i think my next blog will be my new years resolutions-maybe a little late although right in time for the chinese new year on the 26th and maybe luckier for me since the only new years resolution i've kept heretofor was made on january 15th.
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