insensitivty to those grieving

i found out some horrible gossip about my coworkers the other night at the wake that i realized today still is bothering me. i was told that another coworker decided to tell one of my grieving coworkers that committing suicide means you go to hell. so, our friend who has passed is in hell. on top of that, other people who were not named have been saying the same thing. i know this may be seen as idle work gossip, but knowing the party involved i tend to believe it to be true. personally, i am pissed to hear that someone is so insensitive to say that. regardless of someone's religous beliefs, when someone is grieving, it is not the time to preach something so hurtful. i feel what was said was beyond hurtful and frankly unchristian. someone grieving needs empathy.
even though i was not witness to what was said, i found it colored my attitude towards the woman i was told made the statements. i avoided interaction with her. while she and i are not close, we regularly talk and i always make it a point to say good morning. i didn't today and could tell she was upset by this when she irately said good morning to me after i had been there for a while. i just wanted to avoid her all together not only because i was disgusted by the possibility she said these things, but also for fear i might blow up at her telling her how cruel i felt she had been.
beyond that, this attitude leads to the shame and misinformation associated with mental illness. i know the danger of this from personal experience. being indoctrinated with the believe that killing oneself is a damning sin leads people to believe that suicidal thoughts are sinful not just a result of a chemical imbalance. people then hide within themselves instead of getting the help needed. i feel victim to this trap. the first time my parents spoke to me about seeing a therapist or psychiatrist was when i was a sophomore in high school. the first time i finally sought out a therapist was at the age of 24 almost 9 years later. in the meantime, i developed an eating disorder, alcoholism, attempted suicide, as well as numerous other addictions. i can only imagine what might have been prevented had i felt comfortable to seek treatment earlier.
in addition, i still find there is stigma associated with mental illness. even i feel victim to this stigma. i remember the first time i had a therapist tell me i was bipolar. i flat out told her she was wrong. i told her she could say i was chemically depressed just not manic depressive. i refused to see her again. it took another year for me to accept the diagnosis.
for these reasons, i am very open about my mental illness and battle with alcoholism and addictions. i find that the more people who talk openly about mental illness and addiction the more people not only seek treatment but are understanding.

worn out

i am feeling completely drained right now. i just got back from kim's visitation/wake/not quite sure what the right term would be. as any memorial is, this was difficult and uncomfortable. actually, my whole day was a bit trying. when i got the obit info online yesterday, somehow my mind went out and i forgot it was today. i got to work and everyone was asking me if i was coming to the memorial tonight. i was flasbergasted. how could i have gotten confused and forgotten. the memorial was 6-8 and was not scheduled to get cut til 5pm. some people were planning on getting together to eat before at 5:30. there was no way i could make that especially since i had no clothes to change into with me. we were absolutely dead at work which stinks cause i wasn't making money, but gave me time to scramble and get everything together. luckily, my friend brian got off work at 2, and we could make plans to go together. i abhor memorial services, but having gone to more than i wish just in the last 3 months, i am getting used to it. of course, my last table sat forever taking forever to make their way through their meals since i had some place to be. i hurried home, bathed, and changed as quickly as i could. nothing i put on seemed quite right. when i got there, it was open casket which completely creeped me out. its so sad though that times like these give us an opportunity to see people we often haven't seen in a while. now, though after a long day at work and emotional evening, i feel completely worn out.

the music from nick's memorial

kim's passing has prompted me to do something i've meant to do for some time in finally posting the music i put together for nick's memorial service this past december. i must say it was cathartic having the task of gathering the music for the memorial service and reception. i found several web pages to be helpful in this task, but by far the best resource was http://www.thebestsongs.net/funeral_songs.html if anyone has this task.

go rest high on that mountain by vince gill was played during the memorial and the first song of the reception

the rest are in the order i placed the songs on the cds to play during the reception

celtic bagpipe instrumental version of amazing grace
tears in heaven-eric clapton
angels among us-alabama
bye bye-mariah carey
when i get where i'm going-brad paisley feat dolly parton
one more day with you-diamond rio
wind beneath my wings-bette middler
ships of heaven-blackhawk
good riddance-green day
one sweet day-mariah carey and boyz ii men
i believe-diamond rio
candle in the wind-elton john
who you'd be today-kenny chesney
free bird-lynard skynard
if heaven was needing a hero-jo dee messina
shine your light-robbie robertson
the dance-garth brooks
godspeed-dixie chicks
i will remember you-sarah mclachlan
i'll remember-madonna
it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday-boyz ii men
wish you were here-pink floyd
can't cry hard enough-the williams brothers
oh very young-cat stevens
gone too soon-michael jackson
wish you were here-mark wills
if i had only known-reba mcentire
hallelujiah-jeff buckley
amazing grace-patsy cline
hurt-johnny cash
angel-sarah mclachlan
you raised me up-josh groban
i'll fly away-allison krauss
here without you-3 doors down
amazing grace-dixie chicks

loss of a friend

i found out this morning while at work that a former coworker,kim had committed suicide by overdosing on her psychotropic medications. as on of her medications was seroquel, i have a feeling that was the culprit. sadly, my dear friend charles attempted suicide by overdosing on seroquel and almost lost his life. almost a year later, he was successfully committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. i myself have had a suicide attempt with seroquel and did not take enough before being found. i learned through charles' attempt about using seroquel for this purpose. til then, i just thought of it as a medication i used to help as a nonaddictive sleep aid and an antipsychotic. so sad that medication meant to help with mental illness making it readily available to those who suffer from bipolar disorder can be used in the depths of their depression to end their life. of course, we are a resourceful lot.
i am saddened that she is gone from us. i really felt a connection to her as someone who suffered from bipolar disorder and could understand some of our similar experiences both in life and with the disease. i am also sad that since she left our work for a new job that i hadn't made more of an effort to keep in touch. i loved her lack of fear at speaking her mind. i really respected her for that.
one of the biggest shockers for today was my lack of shock with suicide. i now have lost a few friends to suicide and have had even more attempt it and survive. while others struggled with the understanding of why she did it and how she could do it, i felt like i was acting like the ambassador for mental illness. i tried to tell people she just could no longer handle the pain, and that she never meant to cause those she loved pain. doesn't make it hurt any less but i know it is true. years of battling with suicidal thoughts means i know where she was in her headspace. not being able to she beyond that pain. i must say it was an awkward mothering role to be in. it also taught me a bit about myself as i spent time fluttering over my friends and waiting to break down til i left work and called my best friend. i had to thank her for forcing me to go to the crazy house as i call it. brenda really has been a savior to me. i needed her voice.



resources on suicide many of which have both info on prevention and for family and friends who survive after a loved one commits suicide.

http://www.suicide.org/

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

http://www.save.org/

http://www.medicinenet.com/suicide/article.htm

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=9